Avoid the Claws of Unfriendly Cats

Recently, I've been struggling with a new revelation - I've been engaged in fierce competition with some of my friends, unwittingly and unwillingly.

A series of exchanges prompted this realization, sometimes mid-conversation, other times after-the-fact. Competing for what? Being the most special, the first to know XYZ about XYZ, the first to do this, the last person to succumb to that? I dunno.

I'll only touch on the most significant event that sparked this rant, but there have been several. And I'm not happy with those friends, and am considering letting those relationships fade to black, distancing myself from a few other "competitors", while I'm at it.

As an African-American, I know there are many in my community who are striving to better themselves, while making a mark or doing something that's never been done before by one of our people. This movement stems from the injustice and oppression our ancestors faced, which we're still grappling with. Many of us to want to become the "First Black (insert milestone here) or the Black (insert notable figure of a field here). Some members of my community collect milestone markers like accessories or go into obscure fields simply because they want to attain "firsts". I take pride in this, even though it makes me weary sometimes. Not everyone can be the first, right? But we celebrate the firsts and congratulate them, as we should. I get that.

Apply this milestone ambition to women, and you see the same thing. "Cindy Lou is striving to be the female XYZ, which is why she acts as she does." Ambition is ambition, and I'm all for it.

The exception should be amongst friends, people who you trust and whom you're supposed to be able to relax with. You shouldn't measure being the "only" one of your friends to do something, as the mark of your uniqueness. It's limiting and it forces you to compete for your self-esteem and reassurance. Good friends will boost your self-esteem and reassure you without comparing themselves to you.

So, I was doing a project with a friend, laughing and having our normal conversation, when something changed. While describing a trip she planned to take to London, she got really aggressive and rude. When I tried to ask her questions about the trip or give my input as to how much fun she'll have, she would cut me off or try to silence me. The whole vibe in the room shifted and she got really defensive, which I mirrored by getting just as defensive and I clammed up. It felt as if, by sharing her joy or giving advice, I was taking away her feeling of superiority about the journey and she seemed angry about that. I think she felt ownership of the London travel experience and wanted to feel as if she were the first among our peers to travel there. She isn't. Most of my friends are well-traveled, or at least exposed to the world outside our little bubble. So, I don't know where the tension came from. I believe she wanted me to say, "Wow, I've never been there. You're so lucky." or be in awe of her chance to travel. I tried to do some cheerleading for her, but she literally began cutting off my sentences and doing this weird, smug cackle. It shouldn't matter who traveled there first, right? So what gives?

She later sent me a series of emails bragging out her trip, the plans for which has been altered (new city - Paris, same time-frame) . She called me a bunch of times after the emails and when I returned her calls, I was mean. I played her face and made the conversation awkward, but then humbled myself and backed-off, showing support for the trip and just letting her brag and squeal for a little while. But, after we've finished the project we're working on together, I don't think I'mma be answering her emails and calls as much. She's confirmed my feelings about distancing myself from her for a while. I need to. Anyone who can turn a good-sharing moment into a cat-fight, who tries to diminish me and my accomplishments to make themselves feel big, or who can't back up braggadocio with grace is someone I don't need to spend too much time around.

I'd started to feel guilty about this thought-process, but just typing out this exchange has reminded me why I need to. It's the leeching and competition she tries to engage me in that exhausts me. This has happened before, and I've just ignored it, for the sake of friendship and as an ego-check. But, it's clear now - I'm backing myself into a corner by staying close to people who feel they need to compete with me. Having gone to a women's college, being in a sorority, and shoot, just being a woman, I'm well-acquainted with feminine competition and jealousy. I even accept it, to some degree, because it's human nature to compare yourself to others. But, amongst friends it's tiresome, unnecessary, and unwanted. I'm over it.

Things I'm Feeling

• This recipe from Essence Magazine
• My $5 Walmart scarf
• One of my favorite childhood books, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, is in film-production. The special effects that going to be involved will have to be SICK! Can you say it's raining donuts? LOL
  
• Spreading good news
• Calculated social-networking cessation (i.e. laying off Facebook, because your mother has an account and you friended her)
• Pop Culture Universe

Be easy, breezies!